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Deep within
Saturday, November 20, 2010 @ 3:02 AM
Sometimes I do wonder Whyyyyyyyyy. I'm really v v v frustrated with myself cause of my failure to the basics >:( it's not that I am upset cause I can't layout or sky. It's the simple stuff that we've been training for more than a year now... Why? I always get extremely demoralize after trg/competitions. I have to face this emotion monster again, feeling so lousy & sucky. I can't help it but to feel down cause these are simple stuff yet I failed to do! Today I was placed as a handler & playing it more or less for the first time. I sucked to the max. Threw away so many disc, failure to catch, misjudge my teamates abilities... What's next? Without playing in a game, I can catch. With the pressure & stress in a game, miscatching simply is the norm. I really want to perform the same when I am under pressure! I want to be able to cope with the stress in the game. Sigh. Why are you so weak? The same standard as someone who only played for a few months or merely started. It sucks to lose trust from your teammates. It sucks to be lousier than beginners when they were suppose to look up to you. It sucks that your words are of no value just because you don't play well on the field. Sighhhhh. He told me, "You are not improving at all." I know it very well & I'm affected by my play even before you notice it.
You know how ironic it is when I'm feeling so down yet im encouraging my teammates not get dishearten by their mistakes? You know how ironic it is when I'm cheering people up when I'm down myself? You know how ironic it is when I told Anthony not to feel guilty & but to persevere on his ultimate life not feeling guilty cause he accidentally injured keeching cause he came way too far to give up now. You know how ironic it is when i tried to cheer dylan up less than 2 weeks ago not to be dishearten & prove to them that he has more than what he ppl deemed of him? How ironic when i said that the team will always be with you when i never felt like we're a team before :(
sighhhhhhhhhh. i really dislike this. i know i dont wanna give up ultimate but i take longer time than others to improve. time isnt on my side either. The countless thought of wanting more trg will not come true cause of the never ending submission & packed schedule.
being able to write everything out is really good cause i feel much better :)
(the not good thing is that now the iphone allows you to post whenever, wherever. bad bad!)
 ♥heart of compassion; learn to use God's gift
keeching had an injury that is really bad today during trg! its either Anthony's spec or the disc cut his ear. it cut was around 2cm deep at the top of his ear. his ear literally has a split of 2cm deep! after being hit, kc turned to face us & 1/4 of his face was already covered with BLOOD! the blood kept gushing out like water tap :( when i saw, i immediately ran towards him & wanted to use my shirt to clean his blood cause there was just so much blood that was flowing. if i am a guy, i would have done so. the next available cloth i saw was rudy's shirt that was held on his hand. after asking for rudy's permission, i used his white shirt to keep cleaning kc's blood that flowed to his neck. i kept praying for him & almost cried cause it really looked v pain! i feel so much for kc & my compassion was so strong that i almost didnt know what i was doing but just kept attending to him.
thank you Lord for this gift! i will continue seeking You in learning how to use it for Your glory. sometimes having too much compassion for people is a bad thing yoooo.
to my dear trina: let's jiayou tgt okay! :) i wont give up. not so soon. you too okay! let's keep doing it with God's strength & for God :D
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